Hello Cruel World
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Eau de Nil (Not for the Easily Offended)
And God said unto Fred: go to the Senate
By Malcolm Brown and Sean Nicholls
May 11, 2004
The Business of Prophecy
Yea, and the Lord saw the prophet Fred, and saw that
his heart was sound and his mind was pure of any
thought and the Lord saw too, that the Prophet Harradine was
old and decrepit and his face was that of the ballsack of
an ass. And the Lord saw that the prophet Gibson had
not yet returned from the wasteland of the west, where
his begetting was as that of a rabbit and that plastic
dangly souvenir crap had him in its grasp.
And the Lord waited until the Prophet Fred was alone,
and the Lord's words echoed off the porcelain tiles and
the Lord said, "Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and his
face is as the ballsack of a farm animal, and his words
are dry and dusty as of the dust of the road" and the
prophet Fred said, "Uugh, Lord, UUUGH, your perception
is clear and your words are the words of the Lord."
And the Lord thought that the mortal clay of man,
fashioned into the shape of Fred, was perhaps not the
greatest material that the Lord had ever had to work
with, and the Lord waited and the Lord spoke again.
"Fred. FRED! Verily thou art the prophet of a loving God
who talks for clarity as doth the elf from the Lord of the
Rings an entertainment most popular amongst the
elusive 14-23 age bracket that we wish to touch."
"Sorry, communicate with."
And the prophet Fred said that he had not seen that one
as he had heard that it was Godless and filled with the
lies of a pernicious and an evil Satan.
And the Lord said,
"Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and stooped, and no
longer inspires the people in his garb of sack cloth and
ashes, and his face now resembles the wrinkled
scrotum of an animal that lacks for a high protection
sunscreen. His words are dry and dusty and are the
words of an accountant of taxation and not the words of
a soldier of righteousness."
"Fred. The Prophet Gibson has not yet returned to the
country of Australia with his family of true believers to
lead the land to the peace and joy of truly gritty and "in
your face" MTV love where the V stands for violence
and MT is just mighty. Verily, as the prophet Gandalf
said, Fred, 'it shall not pass,' until my words are
And the prophet Fred saw that the Lord was right, and
he raised up his eyes and he forgot his present business
and he realised that he had allowed his business to
interfere with the business of the Lord. And his
hosannas echoed off the tiles as he raised his arms on
high to the Lord. And his hosannas were mighty.
And the Lord said. "Fred. The prophet Harradine is as
the ballsack of an ass, and the prophet Gibson is a seller
of gimcrack and flapdoodle, in all of Australia, Fred, you
are the last honest man."
And the prophet Fred was flattered and cheered and his
heart was lifted and his seat was raised from his earthly
throne. And the Lord said that Fred should calm down
because Fred was just earthly clay and by "only" he
meant "only available" and Fred was chastened and sat
back down and the Lord was pleased.
And the Lord said.
"Fred, the prophet Harradine cannot live forever, as
much perhaps as I would like him to. His face is wrinkled
and is as the skin on the nads of a donkey, yet his iron
claw holds firm the testicles of the Australian Upper
House, and his legislating is as legislating that we have
not seen since the Dark Ages. And indeed the Upper
House shall be as dark as the space under an altar boy's
cassock after the passing the prophet Harradine."
And the prophet Fred was moved that the Lord was
talking to him as a man speaks, and the prophet Fred
was taken up with his own thoughts, and thought deeply,
in the porcelain room. And the Lord said.
"Fred, FRED! Calm down. Fred. I have chosen you,
Fred, to be my soldier. Fred, I want you to stand firm and
stand for a seat in the Upper House. Take my words
Fred, and legislate as would the prophet Harradine. Your
apprenticeship is done with. No longer should your small
but doughty army march to stamp out sex shops and
saucy videos, no longer must you pretend to be sick and
wear your pyjamas to Parliament. You will be as the
prophet Harradine of the flinty eye to whom all love
excepting for the love of the Lord is alien."
And the Prophet Fred gasped. And the Lord said,
"Your army Fred, shall be the army of the Upper House
where you shall rain down your wisdom upon the
teeming mass of godless man. You shall become as the
mouth of the Lord and the world shall love you, and fear
you and thy word shall be law. And the law shall be the
law of the Lord."
And the prophet Fred was moved with love for the Lord,
and gasped as he felt the love of the Lord pass through
him and he raised up has arms and he cried "Alleluia" as
did he cry "Hosanna" and also "Kum by Yah" and his
soul was lifted and his heart was glad, and the still
waters were still no more.
And the Lord too was glad. And the Lord left to go back
to heaven to tidy up for the arrival of the prophet
Harradine, and the prophet Fred started ringing hack
journalists, and the prophet Gibson continued right on
doing whatever it is that the prophet Gibson does, For
the will of the Lord is the will of the Lord.
Here endeth the lesson.
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